by Brenda Schaeffer | Feb 2, 2026 | Blog, General |
Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination. – Voltaire
At a certain point in our relationships, we need to stop looking at the negative aspects of it and focus on what we can do right versus what we do wrong. We can change our focus and start giving from the best part of who we are. And I am not suggesting we deny problems but if we have experienced the best in another person and them us, we will naturally begin to solve problems or communicate with more caring, respect, and trust. In my couple therapy, I often use the Life Script* (a Transactional Analysis theory) to help each person improve their understanding of themselves and how to better communicate with their partner.
Here are some skills that put more heart into a relationship.
- Do what you see lacking in the relationship and unconditionally: if you feel ignored, give attention to your partner; if you want a back rub, offer to give one; if you want excitement, be exciting; if you want support, be supportive.
- Let your partner know the ways he/she encourages your growth and express appreciation for the good things your partner gives to you and the relationship or family.
- Commit to positive change (and stop trying to change the other). Own your unhealthy habits or shortcomings that negatively impact the relationship and let your partner know what you will change. (You secretly know that you are, like others, humanly imperfect).
- Make amends. When you have hurt your partner with words or actions, own it, and apologize from the heart (from regret and remorse vs from shame and guilt)
- Make giving special. Each person makes a list of ten things he/she would value receiving from your partner. Exchange the lists and once a week choose something on the list and spontaneously give it.
- Create rituals, repetitive actions or activities that provide a sense of security and affirm the importance of your bond. If you do not have one, create one.
- Create private time. True emotional closeness blooms when individuals have uninterrupted time to share feelings, thoughts, dreams, play, affection. A rule of thumb: an hour of positive emotional closeness a day keeps troubles away.
- Nourish the relationship: express appreciation and thanks; give without expectations; learn to really listen; practice flexibility; accept disappointment; manage conflict without hostility; accept reality; let go of expectations.
The following is a story that describes how the sharing of these skills transformed her relationship. But as the story indicates, this did not occur naturally. She and her partner both took time to work on themselves and explored their personal Life Script before they were able to share these readily. If you find these behaviors difficult to do, perhaps it is time to find out why.
Kerry ‘s Story
When we first saw a couple’s counselor, I was a bit miffed when after seeing me and Dan three times, she asked us to take time to do individual therapy so we could each learn what we brought to the relationship. She called it a “Life Script.” Since we seemed to get nowhere in couples’ sessions and focused more on what was wrong with the other, we agreed to it. Change and insight did not happen overnight, but it did happen.
Getting into our story, or Life Script, was quite a trip. We were shocked to learn how many traumas we had and how they got triggered in the relationship. We learned that neither of us had good self-esteem before we met and that’s why we personalized about everything our partner said or did.
But since this story is about improving relationships, let us say that we both stayed in therapy long enough to have good insight into ourselves and we were ready to bring what we learned into couple work. I was nervous because it had not gone well before. Emotional intimacy had been a challenge for both of us and the drama had filled the void and kept us connected, as negative as it had been.
By digging into our stories, we realized how few healthy relationship skills we had. We were trying to solve a 100-piece puzzle with a hand full of the pieces, and some pieces were not even healthy. We were now open to learning new relationship skills and put them in our relationship bank.
Hearing Dan affirm me instead of criticizing me was amazing. Making sincere amends when we hurt the other with words and actions was healing. Not a curt ‘I am sorry’ but to hear a genuine ‘What I said or did to you was mean and you did not deserve that.’ Wow.
We took time each week to talk about what went right and what we appreciated about the other. We also had a conflict resolution agreement so we could safely bring up hard subjects and take turns talking while the other one listened. And when things got heated, we took a break with the understanding we would come back when we were in a better place to hear each other.
There were other things that helped rebuild trust and closeness. When Dan went out of town for work or meetings, I would write him a note that was not to be opened until he arrived at his destination. He did one wonderful thing for me each week. These little gestures had big results. We learned that what each wanted from the other was vastly different. We became more realistic in our expectations and understood that we had unique personalities and life experiences and accepted those differences. We made special time for the relationship and learned that sincere giving was as fulfilling as receiving.
There was a new kind of love emerging, a love that said, “I am not perfect, but I am willing to continue growing to become the best partner I can be.” “I am willing to look at my behaviors and how they affect you.” And this is a love that will last.**
*A Life Script comes from Transactional Analysis theory, and it refers to an unconscious life plan that has a beginning, a middle and a predictable ending and that, according to the late Eric Berne, MD., decides who we will love and how we will love.
**Adapted from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer
by Brenda Schaeffer | Nov 15, 2025 | Blog, General |
No sooner do we begin to know other people than we discover their broken heart. – Jacob Needleman
Trauma refers to an event or series of events that cause psychological or emotional harm to an individual. Understanding its forms, symptoms, and impact can help us begin the healing process. Trauma, particularly childhood trauma, does not have to be extreme to have an impact.
Four types of Trauma*
- Trauma of Omission is subtle, often overlooked, and refers to when our emotional, physical, or developmental needs are not met because of neglect, circumstances, or lack of knowledge.
- Trauma of Commission is less subtle, common, and refers to times when things are said and done to us as children that never should have been said or done—name calling, harsh punishments, shaming.
- Shock Trauma is less common and refers to a time when we experience an unusual event we are not prepared for nor have control over—death of a parent, a serious illness, witnessing a violent act in the family, bullying.
- Post-Traumatic Stress is the most serious and occurs when we experience a catastrophic life event out of our control—kidnapping, rape, war atrocities, witness to a murder, a natural disaster.
In both Shock and PTSD, we are catapulted into another reality so rapidly that our psyche cannot make sense of it and floods us emotionally. Many responses occur.
Trauma Responses
- efforts to numb or block out feelings
- ignoring the trauma by splitting off (dissociating)
- profound sense of shame or survivor guilt
- alarm reactions: flashbacks, hypervigilance, troubling dreams, insomnia
- need for high arousal experiences to feel alive or avoid unpleasant feelings
- depriving self especially around success or out of guilt
- re-enactment of trauma or projecting past onto the present
- dysfunctional attachments or conflictual ties with people
- difficulty trusting self, others, or life itself
- anxiety and depression
Life Script Formation
It is not our fault that we were traumatized, and we could not help but be impacted. When a child’s needs are not realized, when cruel words are said, when a child finds herself alone in a traumatic moment, the child feels helpless or abandoned. Not having the perceived power or words to stand up for herself, a loss of trust sets in. In the language of transactional analysis, the child inside of us makes important decisions and comes to certain conclusions:
- “My feelings and needs don’t matter”
- “It’s not safe to be close”
- “I’m not important”
- “I must be bad”
- “People disappoint me”
- “Life is scary”
- “I will never trust again”
A life script is set in motion. This personal unconscious plan has a beginning, a middle, and a predictable ending. And that ending will support our core beliefs and life decisions unless we uncover and change them.
In Is It Love or Is It Addiction? I state that trauma results in a violation of trust, the base foundation of healthy relationships and life itself. Our instinct is to want connections and success but because of trust violations we also fear the very thing we desire. Childhood trauma, if unresolved, can impair our esteem or will lead us to intimacy disorders such as love addiction.
The stories that follow speak to the four types of trauma, the formation of life script, and how each person’s trauma and script fed off the other.
Lindsay’s Story
I unknowingly married a man who was prone to having affairs. Furious when this came out, I blamed many of our relationship problems on him. He broke the trust; he had to change. Then I began to blame myself and saw his actions as a statement about me. I was the one who felt unimportant, unattractive, and stupid. And though I could justify these thoughts via Kevin’s actions, I couldn’t stop them even when our relationship started to heal. They were deep. I finally got help. My therapist suggested I look at what was going on inside of me that kept getting triggered in the relationship.
As I got into my story, I realized that my past experience was the filter through which I viewed myself and Kevin. I really thought I had a good childhood. Then I started to remember. I remembered being ignored and feeling lonely. I remembered being verbally abused by my older brother. When I asked my parents for help, they blew it off. I decided that what my brother said about me must be true.
The feelings I had back then were exactly what I felt when I learned about the affairs. Every time we had an argument, in my mind I heard Kevin saying, “Lindsay you are stupid” or “Your opinion isn’t important to me.” I would take it one step further and hear “And I am going to leave you for someone who is more attractive than you.” I had been working hard to change Kevin to be the partner that would affirm what my family did not affirm. I realized I had to heal my trauma, and I had to believe in my importance, intelligence, and beauty.
Kevin’s Story
I didn’t know I had a problem until I realized I married the woman I loved, but I couldn’t stop my affairs. Going into recovery was the condition of Lindsay staying in the marriage. At first, I took the brunt of the problems in our relationship because I broke trust. But after being in therapy for a year, I realized we both brought stuff from the past to our relationship. I hate to admit to the cliché, but Lindsay did remind me of my mother. Though she didn’t say it aloud, I heard her saying “You are really bad.”
I went headlong into my trauma history. I had a tough time feeling anything in life except excitement, but I thought this was a guy thing. But I had been shut down for years. As I got into my ‘script’ I started to remember things and emotions I didn’t know I had —terror, rage, grief. I shook and teared up when I remembered when I was forced to watch my dad beat my brother and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I remembered my mother tying me to bed for hours. I was terrified, but then I went somewhere else in my mind and shut down my feelings.
Such experiences led me to believe that I was bad and that my feelings didn’t matter. Waiting for Lindsay to magically rescue me proved futile. Her trauma collided with mine. There has always been legitimate love in our relationship but there was also a hidden need to fix our wounds. Of course, we did not know this. Now we talk about our triggers when we recognize them, and we are learning to appreciate the little boy and little girl in each of us who has a story to tell.
Excerpts from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Third Edition
*The first three types of trauma are my personal descriptions and may be in the diagnostic manual under different headings. PTSD is in the DSM 5 diagnostic manual.
by Brenda Schaeffer | Feb 4, 2025 | Blog |
Love without power goes idle; power without love injures.*
Dr. Brenda Schaeffer
Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year where we are reminded to stop and think of the people we love. Of all the mysteries that enchant us, love may be the one most sought after. But we must not confuse love with sentimentality or physical love. Love is far greater. It is an energy that is free and available to all. It does not care what you look like, what you believe, what you do for a living, your gender orientation, and whether you are married, single or in a relationship at all. Love nourishes and is the most cost-effective medical insurance policy and the cheapest medicine there is. And there is no end to its supply. Love has been proven to improve the immune system, increase life expectancy, reduce depression, produce zestful children, nourish relationships, and induce feelings of calm, safety, and trust. And there is also growing scientific evidence that some of the things we pass off as love are bad for our health.
Love and relationships are not one and the same. Relationships are neutral places where we can express profound love, withhold love, distort love, mishandle love, or betray love. Most hearts have been injured in relationships, and it is an unhealed heart that is vulnerable to unhealthy attachments to people, romance, or sex, that lead to loneliness, disappointment, jealousy, heartbreak, power struggles, fear, hate, shame, abuse, and addictive love. A healthy love relationship, on the other hand, is “green and growing”. In it we are free to be who we are, to have our own thoughts, to disagree, to have needs and feelings and in an atmosphere of trust.
Think of the heart as having two sets of emotions. Lower emotions lead to conditions and expectations we place on the love we offer to others. It is conditional. The higher emotions of the heart express a deep unconditional love that invites us to reach out, nurture, embrace, celebrate, and give to those we love.
It makes sense for us to know the ways we express love. On this Valentine’s Day, reflect on how you express love to others. Here are some characteristics of healthy and unhealthy or addictive relationships. The greatest Valentine gift you can give to those you love, is to look at the signs of unhealthy attachment and see if there is one thing you can change to have healthier relationships. Then work on it. Look too, at the signs of healthy relationships and celebrate what you do well and do more of it. And remember, we can only change ourselves, but that change can invite a change in others.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Unhealthy Attachment/Love Addiction Healthy Love
- __Attempting to fix others __Caring detachment
- __Power plays __Equal personal power
- __Desires and fears closeness __Risks being vulnerable
- __ Over-adapting to others __ Being true to self
- __ Weak or rigid boundaries __ Clear permeable boundaries
- __ Has elements of sadomasochism __ Brings out best qualities in self and other
- __ Fears letting go __ Accepts endings
- __ Fears risk, change __ Is vital and alive
- __ Stunted individual growth __ Invites growth in self and other
- __ Difficulty being emotionally honest __Encourages emotional intimacy
- __ Plays psychological games __ Free to ask honestly for needs
- __ Giving to get __ Giving is without expectations
- __ Attempts to change and control other __ Accepts differences and limitations
- __ Needs approval from others to feel complete __ Encourages self-sufficiency
- __ Seeking solutions outside of self __ Trust in own decision making
- __ Demands unconditional love __ Lives unconditional love
- __ Refuses or abuses commitment __ Accepts and respects commitment
- __ Looks to other for self-worth __ Has high self-esteem
- __ Fears abandonment __ Has a high level of trust
- __ Re-creates familiar bad feelings __ Expresses feelings spontaneously
*Adaptations and quotes from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer
Visit Brenda’s website.
by Brenda Schaeffer | Sep 16, 2020 | Coaching & Personal Development, Psychotherapy/Counselling, Resources |
The past, the present, and the future are all really one.
We are only looking at the past that is present now and influencing our future.
–Brenda Schaeffer
Behind each addictive love relationship–romantic or otherwise–lurks a childhood story dominated by magical thinking and strongly held beliefs that become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every life event is recorded in the neurology of our body whether we remember them or not. And though it is not possible or necessary to access all memories, it is important to find out what in our psyche now is the drive behind addictive love patterns keeping us from the love relationship we deserve or want. Once we unveil the psychology behind our unhealthy dependency, we have a chance at a more fulfilling life.
Brent’s Story
Brent was a financially successful professional, well respected in the community, who actually came into therapy with high self-esteem. His problem was his inability to establish an intimate relationship that met his needs for support and closeness. He seemed to have a pattern of selecting partners whose needs were so great or who were so independent they would not respond to his needs. This in turn gave him justification to sexually act out his frustrations in secret. Intellectually, he was aware of his patterns and selections; still, he was unable to understand them. In exploring his background, much of which he had consciously forgotten or dismissed as not important, the following story emerged.
One ordinary day, four-year-old Brent hugged his mother and ran outside to play and explore; life felt good. Time passed, and as children do, Brent went home for his periodic check-in with Mom to assure himself that his world was in order. When he walked into the house, he found his mother crying, holding his baby brother, who was also crying. (Although Brent had no way of knowing it at the time, his mother and father had just argued over the phone.) Brent’s world suddenly seemed threatened, and he felt terror. What have I done or not done? he asked himself. Looking for comfort and reassurance, Brent asked, “What’s wrong, Mommy? Is everything okay?” Brent’s mom said, “Oh, honey, I’m so glad you’re here. Tell Mommy everything will be okay.” Brent felt momentary confusion and then quickly acted on his mom’s suggestion. He patted her arm, smiled into her eyes, and proudly and magically said: “That’s okay, Mommy, everything will be all right. I just know it!” Mother smiled and said, “You are my wonderful little man. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Brent’s world was in order once again. But something significant had happened. The four-year-old boy could not perceive that the incident was a natural and isolated occurrence and that the comfort he offered his mother was not the result of some magical power he possessed. A myth was born, and grandiosity established: Brent began to believe that somehow, he had the power to make his mother (and perhaps everyone) feel good; moreover, he had to do so in order for his own needs to be met. The child-belief that prevailed was: “I’m in charge of making people feel good or bad; what I say, think, feel, or do will keep them around or drive them away.”
Brent’s childhood story may sound rather poignant and sweet: a child caring for his melancholy mother. But Brent was a child who needed his mother to be a big person who would care for him. Like other children of this age who are as yet unable to separate pretend from reality, he feared that if something happened to his parents, his world would not last. He also believed he might be the cause of his mother’s pain; parents often unwittingly say things like “You make me feel bad” that a child takes quite literally at this age. As an adult, Brent would have responded to the situation by reasoning,” Mom is upset. I’ll offer her sympathy, though I can’t make everything better”.
As a child, Brent needed both information and reassurance he did not receive. He needed Mom to say: “Thank you for caring about me, Brent, but I’m fine.” Instead of receiving maternal comfort for his frightened inner child, Brent was invited to take care of his mother’s sad inner child, suppressing his own fears and needs in the process. Brent had cared for his mother at his own emotional expense; he continued to do so in his adult relationships. From a child’s point of view, Brent’s decision was creatively adaptive: “I’ll stop feeling scared and needy and take care of her”. And it did seem to work! Mom did stick around. And she even smiled!
Because Brent brought his unconscious pattern of suppressing his feelings and needs into his adult life, he would unconsciously choose needy women who supported his belief system. Thus, as crazy as it may seem, he actually had what he wanted in his troublesome addictive relationships; they were psychologically self-serving. Dependent partners prevented him from having his own needs fulfilled. In a variety of subtle ways, his partners supported his earlier conclusions: “My needs are not important”, and “I have the power to make a woman (Mom) feel good”.
The tragedy is that Brent needed and had a right to his own feelings, desires, and support; he needed to be cared for without always having to care for others first. Only when Brent was able to examine his unconscious fears and child beliefs connected to his unmet needs from a new adult perspective, was he psychologically free to establish healthy interdependency with women and address his secret sexual life.
Healthy and Unhealthy Dependency
In addictive love, the ties of dependency run from one partner’s inner child to the other’s inner child. Something within addictive lovers makes them believe they need to be attached to someone in order to survive, and that the other has the magical ability to make them whole. This is why love often goes wrong. The pervasive feeling that something is missing directs them in adult relationships to unconsciously seek out others to meet their unmet needs. The difficulty is that a person, such as Brent, out of touch with what his or her real needs are tends to seek out people similar to the original person (i.e., a parent) who did not have the capacity or information to meet those needs in the first place. Thus, it is like hitting one’s head against a brick wall—a self-defeating exercise.
Immature, childish love believes: “If I take care of you and love you the way I want you to love me, then you’ll love me that way, too.” We may think of a child’s love as generous and innocent; but often it is not. Children are not yet capable of spiritual love; their love is egocentric. They love in order to survive, in order to avoid pain, fear, and want. And that pattern, as we’re seeing, haunts adult addictive lovers.
Brent’s story, and others in the blog series, demonstrates that there are three dependency systems we experience in our life. The first is a Primary Dependency. When we are children we do not have the capacity to care for self and we are healthily dependent on parent figures until we grow up and have a full spectrum of ego states—Child (feels and identifies needs), Adult (thinks and problem solves), and Parent (nurtures and protects)*,–to identify our needs and either take care of them ourselves or seek to have them filled in an Autonomous Dependency (interdependence) where two adults are equal and open as far as needs are concerned. The third system is Addictive Dependency described in Brent’s story. It is based on fear and control and limits our capacity for spontaneity, creativity, and true emotional, romantic and sexual intimacy. Most, if not all human relationships, have all three dependencies.
The story also demonstrates that because of the human dilemma it is likely that none of us got everything we needed in just the way we needed it; thus, we are prone to addictive love.
Excerpts from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Third edition.
*Eric Berne, M.D.
Read more at www.brendaschaeffer,com
