Love without power goes idle; power without love injures.*
Dr. Brenda Schaeffer
Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year where we are reminded to stop and think of the people we love. Of all the mysteries that enchant us, love may be the one most sought after. But we must not confuse love with sentimentality or physical love. Love is far greater. It is an energy that is free and available to all. It does not care what you look like, what you believe, what you do for a living, your gender orientation, and whether you are married, single or in a relationship at all. Love nourishes and is the most cost-effective medical insurance policy and the cheapest medicine there is. And there is no end to its supply. Love has been proven to improve the immune system, increase life expectancy, reduce depression, produce zestful children, nourish relationships, and induce feelings of calm, safety, and trust. And there is also growing scientific evidence that some of the things we pass off as love are bad for our health.
Love and relationships are not one and the same. Relationships are neutral places where we can express profound love, withhold love, distort love, mishandle love, or betray love. Most hearts have been injured in relationships, and it is an unhealed heart that is vulnerable to unhealthy attachments to people, romance, or sex, that lead to loneliness, disappointment, jealousy, heartbreak, power struggles, fear, hate, shame, abuse, and addictive love. A healthy love relationship, on the other hand, is “green and growing”. In it we are free to be who we are, to have our own thoughts, to disagree, to have needs and feelings and in an atmosphere of trust.
Think of the heart as having two sets of emotions. Lower emotions lead to conditions and expectations we place on the love we offer to others. It is conditional. The higher emotions of the heart express a deep unconditional love that invites us to reach out, nurture, embrace, celebrate, and give to those we love.
It makes sense for us to know the ways we express love. On this Valentine’s Day, reflect on how you express love to others. Here are some characteristics of healthy and unhealthy or addictive relationships. The greatest Valentine gift you can give to those you love, is to look at the signs of unhealthy attachment and see if there is one thing you can change to have healthier relationships. Then work on it. Look too, at the signs of healthy relationships and celebrate what you do well and do more of it. And remember, we can only change ourselves, but that change can invite a change in others.
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Unhealthy Attachment/Love Addiction Healthy Love
- __Attempting to fix others __Caring detachment
- __Power plays __Equal personal power
- __Desires and fears closeness __Risks being vulnerable
- __ Over-adapting to others __ Being true to self
- __ Weak or rigid boundaries __ Clear permeable boundaries
- __ Has elements of sadomasochism __ Brings out best qualities in self and other
- __ Fears letting go __ Accepts endings
- __ Fears risk, change __ Is vital and alive
- __ Stunted individual growth __ Invites growth in self and other
- __ Difficulty being emotionally honest __Encourages emotional intimacy
- __ Plays psychological games __ Free to ask honestly for needs
- __ Giving to get __ Giving is without expectations
- __ Attempts to change and control other __ Accepts differences and limitations
- __ Needs approval from others to feel complete __ Encourages self-sufficiency
- __ Seeking solutions outside of self __ Trust in own decision making
- __ Demands unconditional love __ Lives unconditional love
- __ Refuses or abuses commitment __ Accepts and respects commitment
- __ Looks to other for self-worth __ Has high self-esteem
- __ Fears abandonment __ Has a high level of trust
- __ Re-creates familiar bad feelings __ Expresses feelings spontaneously
*Adaptations and quotes from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer
